If in doubt, spit it out
by Magnetic Luck
Summary: Tea parties are often unorthodox events in Underland. Especially when the conversation revolves around a certain former visitor. Hatter/Alice, Knave/Alice
1. A moment of madness

It started out as an accident. He hadn't meant to open his mouth and say it, things had just sort of…happened. Self-restraint had never been one of his strong points, he was a knave, social etiquette meant very little to the man. Although admittedly had he thought before speaking, it would've been a highly less traumatic experience for all involved. Seated at the familiar table (which with a little OCD cleaning had been restored to it's former glory) Stayne shuffled uncomfortably on the spot.

The Hatter and the Knave had been talking about a certain blonde, enjoying a civilised return to society on the recently pardoned man's part. Well, it started out that way. The conversation had casually taken a turn for the worse when the assassin had mentioned, matter-of-factly, the things he would've liked to **do** to said blonde girl. Naturally the Hatter was unimpressed, and promptly proceeded to choke on his own tea at the mere thought of such an action. He'd make a point of telling Alice to carry a cane in future, just so she could beat the braggart off with a stick should the need arise.

Letting loose a hollow laugh, the neon haired individual took another long sip of tea, gaze never leaving the untrustworthy gentleman opposite. He didn't care if the White Queen did pardon him, the Hatter certainly wouldn't be trusting him anytime soon. He might steal Alice's muchness again, and then where would they all be? That thought didn't bear thinking about, as it was too horrific and terrifying an outcome for the poor chap to take in.

_"I didn't mean it quite like that…"_Began the knave, fingers tracing lightly over the scars on his face, as was often the behaviour when he was backtracking on his big mouth.

_"Aye, I bet ye dinnae, ye slack-jawed, lily-livered parasite!"_ Barked the Hatter, rich Glaswegian tones puncturing the air, before he coughed, head shaking with his own hint of remorse. _"Sorry about that."_ He muttered, though with little conviction. He was just holding a protective grudge now, Alice was his friend, and she needed to be respected in such a way that she didn't have to fear being jumped the minute she set foot in Underland.

_"You have to at least admit she's pretty."_ Started the knave again, taking a sip of his own beverage (which tasted distinctly like it was laced with produce from the green fairy). _"She made Underland do much brighter!"_ He concluded loudly, before proceeding to hiccup out his own small burst of intoxicated laughter.

_"Hmmm" _The Hat maker refused to dignify that with an answer. Alice was Alice. She was nice to look at, and kind, and friendly, and with an excellent taste in headwear, but he wouldn't admit that she was beautiful. Namely because if he did that, it reminded him of precisely how stupid letting her go was! He wasn't sure if he loved her or not, he didn't think so, but he did care, and miss her. That was partly why he wasn't allowing his mind to sink to the level of depravity the Knave was offering.

It was giving him some food for thought though, and that alone was a dangerous thing.


	2. Natural Reaction

_"You mean to tell me you've never wondered where those heavenly legs actually went?!"_ Exclaimed the Knave, living up to his namesake as he thought about the very object of his affection. That glimpse of peachy, smooth skin had set his heart aflame in the first place. He remembered quite clearly, thinking about what went on under those rouge petticoats the very first time he laid eyes upon Um. Stayne wasn't entirely convinced the Queen couldn't read minds either, as she'd given him the most dirty look he could fathom whenever his mind started to dwell on all things naughty.

_"To her had some lovely shoes."_ Chimed in the Hatter, refusing to take the bait and allow his own mind to wander. It wasn't a lie either, Alice had possessed some rather delicate looking boots, and he was almost certain they'd look magical when combined with his hat. Ever since she'd left, he'd toyed with the idea of dressing like her, just to gain some degree of closure. Ultimately Mallymkun had talked him out of it, something to do with it not sitting right in Underland society. He'd taken it to mean, he'd just look significantly better than anyone else, and to avoid starting a riot, he'd have to placate his need for Alice another way.

He'd never expected it to involve sharing tea with the Knave though. Once you managed to see past the backstabbing, traitorous worm's colourful past, Hatter supposed he wasn't so bad. Untrustworthy, certainly, but not as inherently evil as previously thought. Although, that too was debatable, the more his mouth threatened Alice's honour, the less inclined the neon haired gentleman was to curb his temper.

_"I was thinking a little higher, Hatter. Towards those enchanting hips. I tell you, she could wrap those legs around me any day."_ Stayne hiccoughed once more, before letting loose a short chortle of delight at the very thought. His hand quickly went to his mouth, the absinthe lacing his tea clearly bypassing his common sense. He didn't know what was so wrong about sharing his lust for Um, with the world. She was a wonder to behold, surely his admiration could only be seen as positive! It wasn't as if he was calling her a troll, or anything remotely negative. He could only sing her praises.

Tarrant Hightopp gripped the cup handle tighter, bright emerald opticals glazing over with a sea of silent rage. He knew the Knave was dubious, but this was just going a too far. He didn't need to hear these things! He didn't want to think about Alice like that, she was too nice and innocent to become the subject of his tormented psyche. He cared about her too much for that. Focusing his gaze on his offending companion, Hatter quickly stood, cup still in hand.

_"Now, ye listen here, and ye listen good. If ye'ever lay one finger on Alice, I'll take ye to a place more painful than years of serving the bloody Red Queen."_

Apparently Stayne had hit a nerve. The scarred man merely swallowed in response, lips almost twitching into the faintest of smiles at the blatant threat. What a delightful tea party this was turning out to be.


	3. Voice of reason

A subtle burst of nervous laughter filled the air immediately following the Hatter's threat. Stayne couldn't help himself. It was a mixture of his own lack of self control, coupled with the courage of absinthe tea. He was hardly going to go and force himself on Alice anytime soon, was he? He'd learned from experience, and since his last liaison with the angelic woman hadn't gone to plan, he was quite taken with the idea of watching from afar. Voyeuristic tendencies didn't get him into nearly as much trouble as random invasions of personal space.

He did wonder what the Hatter's take on all of this was. Clearly he had feelings for the spritely woman, it was just a question of what he intended to do about it. Crossing his legs, the seven foot man leant back in his chair, before shooting Tarrant an inquisitive look. Threats he could contend with, it was just the idea of teacup projectiles that made him wary. _"It's obvious you like her."_ Stated the assassin matter-of-factly, finger tracing the rim of his cup with immaculate precision. _"But did you bother to tell her?"_ he continued, this time with the full intent of tormenting the orange haired man.

At least he'd had the sense to explain to Um that he liked her. Perhaps not in the most non-threatening of manners, but at least she knew! What had the Hatter done? He'd practically packed her bags and waved her off before she'd even arrived. All it took was three little words, but no, he hadn't even managed that. Feet resting on the table, Stayne canted his head to the left, almost delighting in the pained expression now adorning Tarrant's face.

_"It didn't seem like the right time."_ said the Hatter quietly as he poked at the teapot absent mindedly. He really had missed his opportunity, he knew that, but what use was it telling her anyway? She had to leave to go home, and he didn't like the idea of hurting them both with an unrequited love that would never come to be. What good was it if they were both miserable? At least this way it was only him suffering.

_"It's never the right time! You need to wait until she comes back, or go up there yourself. Scream it from the rooftops if you have to. Romantic dinners, moonlit walks, hell, you could just get it over with and drag her into a barn already…" _Suggested Stayne unhelpfully. It had been a good plan up until the end,noted the Hatter, though in retaliation, his more bitter side had sent a cup hurtling towards the man's head.

It may not have been the social event of the century, but at least they were making progress.


	4. Expect the unexpected

What was he supposed to say? Hatter had been much more content with keeping his feelings safely bottled up. It meant he didn't have to worry about things like this; or about the never-ending scenarios racing through his mind in which Alice rejected him completely. He just couldn't see the logic of waltzing up to her and declaring his undying affection, it was just insane on more levels than he was used to. Lips pursing in silent contemplation, the unhinged individual rubbed his nose thoughtfully as he looked towards Stayne. He didn't want to ask for advice, it was too painful for his pride, but he was going to have to do it. Inhaling sharply, the orange haired Hatter braced himself for what he was about to do. If history was anything to go by, he wouldn't be receiving any helpful advice, but he had to take the risk; for Alice's sake.

_"What am I supposed to tell her?"_ whispered Tarrant cautiously, his alter-ego nearing the surface as he awaited an answer. He couldn't think of a sane way to tell Alice how he felt, especially not since she'd returned home. He'd missed his chance, hadn't he? Now it was simply flogging a dead horse.

Stayne choked. In his tormenting of the tea-obsessed individual, he'd expected the flying crockery, but advice? That was just disturbing. He'd never been asked for helpful advice before, it was just a case of nodding and agreeing to absurdity in the queen's case. The knave didn't think he was even capable of giving a well rounded view of the situation. He was a braggart, a cad, a lustful, slightly twisted individual, who's whole concept of 'love' revolved entirely around the contents of pantaloons. It was hard to be objective too, when the object of your affection was the very thing you were being quizzed about. The dark haired man removed his feet from the table, before blowing a stray strand of ebony from his eye line._ "Well, how you feel might be a good place to start." _mused the assassin, sarcasm dripping from his words with every syllable.

Voice going up an octave, the former servant of the Red Queen began his callous (though incidentally helpful) imitation of the Hatter. _"Alice I love you. Alice I need you. Alice, I got jealous when Stayne suggested doing debauched things to you. So, come and hop on down that rabbit hole, and we'll work things out, since I'd really like to Fu-" _The knave was cut off as he threw himself sideways to avoid a flying teapot, amused grin painting it's way across his features as he finished the sentence._"-tterwacken with you again."_ Honestly, if the Hatter was jumping to his own slightly naughty conclusions, it was own fault. Stayne was the perfectly innocent bystander in all of this.

Shooting the Hatter a triumphant look, once again he was met by flying table raising defensively, Ilosovic shook his head, concluding that his statements had most definitely been worth the china colliding with his head. It was about as a blunt a comment the Hatter was likely to receive, and he liked to think, deep down, it had been of some benefit. It's not as if he was deliberately trying to sabotage anything (although the thought had crossed his mind.) Standing finally, the knave drew himself to his full height, inquisitive gaze piercing through the irritated man now several inches below his shoulder.

_" Well, you did ask."_


End file.
